A Ferocity for the Truth

By VON       

One of my fellow adoptees has used this expression to describe how it is for many adoptees who have begun their lives in the absence of the truth and have had to continue them in the same vein. When others in our lives don’t respect the truth, see the need for the truth or understand that we need the truth, that it is vital for our sense of self, our identity and the way we place ourselves in the world, there is often a sad outcome, conflict, disagreement and condemnation.
Some years ago my family was friendly with a man who was a professional counsellor and also an aparent. He was estranged from his former wife and from his adopted daughter. His story was an interesting one, full of truth triggers. You know what I mean? Someone tells you about their life and some things do not ring true, you accept them for who they appear to be now and keep your ears open. The truth had been bent because of a past which was full of abuse, first from a step-father and then in a much more public setting in an African country in turmoil where he was the abuser.
The real truth is always stranger than fiction.
What was undoubtedly true was his belief that adoptees did not need to know where they came from and in this he was unshakeable. I made my views known and soon after the friendship ended, none of the family were able to happily live with such a fundamental difference in belief and the feeling that we would never know the real truth about such a complicated and conflicted man. No-one looks to know everyone’s secrets or the tough, painful places it’s hard to go even with ourselves, but friendship involves trust, a degree of common ground and an acceptance of the other’s beliefs and values.
Over my life I have been friends with many people with conflict, abuse and pain in their lives; real people who get up and give it a go. All of them respect the struggles of others, the rights of others and the truth of others. Such an ‘inyaface’ denial of the need for truth was much, much more than this adoptee could take in a friendship.
It had to end, as friendships and relationships sometimes do. They reach a natural conclusion; we may grieve or feel relief, or both.
Sometimes the search for the truth, the kernel of what it was all about, can take years, decades even. We may need to forgive, to be forgiven, but first to make sense of it, to learn the lessons, because they are always there. We may ask ourselves “What was that all about?”, “What did I learn from this relationship?”
Once we have been through the stage of judgment of our self or the other, as we usually do, we can reach a place of understanding, where blame disappears and truth emerges. It is then that we find peace, calm and a beautiful sense of quiet, serenity and loving acceptance. It is always worth working for, waiting for and rejoicing in.
“A ferocity for the truth” so beautifully describes what many adoptees have at their core. For many of us it is central to our beliefs, our values and principles. Truth underlies everything we do and are and we can accept nothing less. We feel the lack of truth deeply, hate lies and deceptions, falsehoods and deceit.
So called ‘white lies’ make us queasy and a friendship can be ruined on the strength or weakness of one. I never apologise for my ‘ferocity for the truth’ and I hope no other adoptee does either! If it sets us apart, so be it, so do many other things, it is a worthy attribute to have, one to be proud of and which can serve us well.
What keeps me writing and blogging is what seems a never-ending quest for the truth of adoption. It is a rich field in which lies and untruths abound from the individual stories of adoptees right through to the actions and agreements of Governments and those who work for them and those who are their allies.
I came across a story a while back about ‘dirty diamonds’ in which some rather well-known people got together for dinner at the invitation of Nelson Mandela. It involved a president, later to be tried for war crimes and some other surprising players. You may remember the story.
Read more here: http://eagoodlife.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/a-ferocity-for-the-truth/

My friend Von (an adoptee from Australia) expresses her views so eloquently, every adoptee needs to read her blog posts OFTEN... Sadly, the people who need to read these blogs MORE are those who adopt children... I send her my blessings and humble thanks... Trace

Healing trauma: my journey and FOUR SOULS

This book is available on Amazon.com and Kindle.

By Trace A. DeMeyer

The idea of healing trauma, starting with my own, has interested me since the early 1990s. In my memoir One Small Sacrifice I wrote about the co-counseling therapy I did in Seattle. I was born with PTSD and as a teen had obsessive-compulsive disorder.
The trauma I was dealing with was complicated with the sexual abuse I experienced at home. I was very sick a long long time.
In Seattle I heard Dr. Fred Alan Wolf describe his experiences with the shamans in South America who were using ayahuasca. Wolf lectured that if victims of PTSD - Post-traumatic Stress Disorder - used this, it would cure them. The mind-body connection is more important than western medicine will tell you.
In the new anthology UNRAVELING THE SPREADING CLOTH OF TIME, co-edited with my friend MariJo Moore, I wrote an essay FOUR SOULS, which describes my journey to heal myself and the elders who made it happen.
Here is an excerpt:

Four is an esoteric number found in tribal cultures, as in the four cardinal directions: east, north, west and south.  Many colors have significance: black, white, blue, and yellow.

To live in a sacred manner, we are taught to smudge with sage and cedar and pray with tobacco (asemaa in Ojibwe). I bring elders asemaa as a gift. Choctaw elder Mary Barnett shared how tobacco was used for many cures in the Five Civilized Tribes.  The Cherokee made a concoction of tobacco juice you drank.  Tobacco was one of the most important herbs used by Southeastern Tribes, she told me.  My own grandmother Lona and her mother used tobacco. They chewed it, spit it and smoked it.  Prayers were whispered in smoke. Tobacco infused with good thought, a ritual act of “remaking” the herb, was good medicine.

Elders who became my teachers cured me of illnesses. In Lakota territory, Sara, an Oglala elder cured me of a migraine headache in 1993. I inhaled a chunk of burning root deeply several times. Ellowyn (Oglala) taught me their medicine people could communicate with supreme beings our eyes cannot see. Invisible Gods, sixteen different beings, appear to their medicine people.

Healers, both men and women, of many Indigenous cultures, will know people are ill by their vibration. Sacred sound, a drum or rattle or words, can shift our vibration. Our human body is a container of four souls. Seeing in our container, those who can heal us see how we see ourselves. They can shift our perception, and uncover the roots of dis-ease. Not every disease is physical as people experience spiritual sicknesses, too.

 

To read this anthology, go to:  http://www.amazon.com/Unraveling-Spreading-Cloth-Time-Indigenous/dp/1483952878?tag=traceasspace-20

 

Here is a link to my other blog LARA which has a very revealing speech by Dr. Gabor Mate who recommends using ayahuasca to heal trauma.

http://larahentz.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/healing-trauma-with-ayahuasca-dr-gabor-mate/

AMAZON review: Unraveling the Spreading Cloth of Time: Indigenous Thoughts Concerning the Universe: Dedicated to Vine Deloria Jr. (Paperback) Fantastic! After reading this book I want to find a place where I can sit and listen to all of these authors while they tell all their stories. This anthology opened the universe and all that I have missed growing up this far without these stories, poems, essays, etc. Past present and future do meld in the universe to teach us from one generation to another, and I must admit I had/have a world of knowledge to learn, share and create. I recently learned that my Great, Great, Great Grandmother was Native American and I missed out on sitting with her learning such wonderful wisdom and stories. Please read this book, you will never regret it and I am certain that anyone who reads this anthology will be blessed through generations and open some long-closed eyes. Marvelous!

Radio Lab: Baby Veronica

Veronica at duck pen (courtesy of John Nichols)

Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl, http://www.radiolab.org/blogs/radiolab-blog/2013/may/30/adoptive-couple-v-baby-girl/

This is the story of a three-year-old girl and the highest court in the land. The Supreme Court case Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl is a legal battle that has entangled a biological father, a heart-broken couple, and the tragic history of Native American children taken from their families.

When producer Tim Howard first read about this case, it struck him as a sad but seemingly straightforward custody dispute. But, as he started talking to lawyers and historians and the families involved in the case, it became clear that it was much more than that. Because Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl challenges parts of the 1978 Indian Child Welfare Act, this case puts one little girl at the center of a storm of legal intricacies, Native American tribal culture, and heart-wrenching personal stakes.

Background and Reporting from a range of different perspectives

"Couple forced to give up daughter"
An introductory article by Allyson Bird, for the Charleston, SC Post and Courier
Comprehensive coverage of the case by the Charleston Post and Courier
"Supreme Court Takes on Indian Child Welfare Act in Baby Veronica Case" 
A report for Indian Country Today by Suzette Brewer, who has also written a two-part series on the case.
"Supreme Court hears Indian child custody case"
Tulsa World article by Michael Overall which includes Dusten Brown's account of his break-up with Veronica's mother, and his understanding about his custodial rights. Plus photos of Dusten, Veronica, and Dusten's wife Robin in their Oklahoma home.
Randi Kaye's report for CNN on the background of the case, and interviews with Melanie and Matt Capobianco: "Video: Adoption custody battle for Veronica"

Nina Totenberg’s report for NPR: "Adoption Case Brings Rare Family Law Dispute To High Court"
Reporting by NPR's Laura Sullivan and Amy Walters on current ICWA violations in South Dakota.
Dr. Phil's coverage: "Adoption Controversy: Battle over Baby Veronica"

Analysis and Editorials

Colorlines report "The Cherokee Nation’s Baby Girl Goes on Trial:"

Americans remain dangerously uninformed about the basics of tribal sovereignty, and what it means for the relationship between the United States and Native tribes and nations.

The Weekly Standard's Ethan Epstein argues that ICWA is "being used to tear [families] apart]: "Mistreating Native American Children"
Andrew Cohen considers the trickier legal aspects of the case for the Atlantic in "Indian Affairs, Adoption, and Race: The Baby Veronica Case Comes to Washington:"

A little girl is at the heart of a big case at the Supreme Court next week, a racially-tinged fight over Native American rights and state custody laws.

Marcia Zug's breakdown of the case (Marica Zug is an associate professor of law at the University of South Carolina School of Law who she specializes in family and American Indian law) "Doing What’s Best for the Tribe" for Slate:

Two-year-old “Baby Veronica” was ripped from the only home she’s known. The court made the right decision.  

Marcia Zug for the Michigan Law Review: "Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl: Two-and-a-Half WAys To Destroy Indian Law"
From Walter Olson, a senior fellow at the Cato Institute’s Center for Constitutional Studies: "The Constitutional Flaws of the Indian Child Welfare Act"
Rapid City Journal columnist David Rooks poses a set of tough questions about ICWA: "ROOKS: Questions unasked, unanswered"
From Johnston Moore, an adoptive father of six children, three of whom are part Indian. (Moore is director and co-founder of Home Forever, and a founding member of the Coalition for the Protection of Indian Children & Families. NewsOK): "Some different talking points about Indian Child Welfare Act"
Editorial coverage from The New York Times:
"A Wrenching Adoption Case"
"Adoptive Parents vs. Tribal Rights"

Contemporary, Historic, and Legal Source Materials

Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl on the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) Blog
Audio from the oral arguments in the Supreme Court

Official website for ICWA (the federal Indian Child Welfare Act)
1974 Hearings Before the Subcommittee on Indian Affairs "on problems that American Indian families face in raising their children and how these problems are affected by federal action or inaction." PDF
The National Indian Child Welfare Association
SaveVeronica.org

The First Nations Repatriation Institute, which works with and does advocacy for adoptees

Guests: Tim Howard

 

I will be posting about this case ...Very disappointed that AN ADOPTEE PERSPECTIVE was not a part of this RADIO LAB discussion. Adrian Grey Buffalo, Patricia Busbee and I were interviewed by Tim Howard but apparently we didn't make the final cut... Trace 

A Place Between – The Story of an Adoption #60sScoop

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

                                

A Place Between – The Story of an Adoption
Directed by	Curtis Kaltenbaugh
Produced by	Joe MacDonald
Narrated by	Curtis Kaltenbaugh
Music by	Greg Lowe
Editing by	Kenneth George Godwin
Studio	National Film Board of Canada
Release date(s)	2007
Running time	74 minutes
Country	Canada

A Place Between – The Story of an Adoption is a 2007 documentary film dealing with cross-cultural adoption and aboriginal life in Canada. It was directed by Curtis Kaltenbaugh and produced by the National Film Board of Canada.

Curtis and Ashok Kaltenbaugh were born in Manitoba and are of First Nations ancestry. After the 1980 death of their younger brother, at the ages of 7 and 4 respectively, they were removed from the custody of their birth mother and placed for adoption with a middle-class white family living in Pennsylvania.

The film chronicles their search for identity and the meeting of their adoptive and birth families.
The film won Best Public Service Award at the Annual American Indian Film Festival, held in San Francisco during November 2007.<sup>[1]

Has anyone seen it?? Let me know... Trace</sup>

Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl Update

By Liberty on Lost Daughters Blog, May 29, 2013

This post revisits the adoption dispute between a South Carolina couple and the Cherokee father of the girl they thought they'd legally adopted, which I wrote about here. After a not-so-by-the-book adoption, the well-meaning family brought their new daughter back to South Carolina. The father, who had been fighting for custody of his daughter for months after mistakenly signing away his rights, took the case to the South Carolina court, which ruled in his favor due to the Indian Child Welfare Act. In the year since, the adoptive couple launched an online campaign called "saveveronica", and brought the case to the Supreme Court, which heard the case last month. The court is set to rule sometime in June.

It's the lack of nuance that really gets me. People toss all manner of bitterness into the Internet, and comments on the story tend to demonize the father and heroize the adoptive parents. That's not fair and it's not the whole picture. And imagine the compartmentalization that has to happen in their minds--(birth father = bad; adoptive parents = good; therefore, child, who is biologically related to birth father = ?)   I'm not talking exclusively about the adoptive parents--I'm referring to the band-wagon-jumpers who have to throw their two cents in and call the birth father a "loser" and worse.

Even the words "save veronica" are painful. "Save" implies that the girl is in danger. Save her from her father? From the Indians? Really they mean "bring her back to us". Not that their desire is inappropriate--of course we can understand their feelings of loss. But let's call it what it is.

This comic highlights the irony:

Used with permission by the artist; Marty Two Bulls http://www.m2bulls.com

I'd like to know more about how the little girl has fared since living with her father. In a disappointingly unbalanced article on NPR, the writer admits in one line that, "No one disputes that she was sublimely happy with her adoptive parents, and videos of her with her father, now married, seem to show a little girl equally happy."

"No one disputes" the "sublime happiness" of the girl with the adoptive parents. Yet evidence of her life with her father merely "seems to show" happiness.

There are all sorts of privilege issues this case bring to the surface: Adoptive parents v. birth parents. Married parents v. single parent. White people v. Native American. Birth mother v. birth father.

Bottom of the hierarchy of "rights" is often birth fathers, it seems. In a comment on my last post about this case, a birth father wrote: 

"As a birthfather who has been separated from his child, and having been through a 2 year legal battle to for full custody and ending up with practically no rights, I am sympathetic to [Dusten] in this scenario. The birthfather is almost always treated as the bad guy, and the legal system is generally stacked against him - not to mention the adoption agencies, social workers, and birthmothers. The phrase "best interest of the child" is thrown around in courtrooms and blogs in way that is unilaterally synonymous with "best interest of the adoptive parents and birthmother". Way to go Dusten for getting your kid back!! I tried to do so and it left me emotionally, mentally, and financially devastated, with serious stress-related health complications to boot. I can only imagine the effort that this man has put into being present for his daughter. There are, of course, legitimate concerns about the effect of the transition on the child. Surely there is some immediate negative psychological effect from being placed into a new home at the age of 2. Hopefully the long term benefits of being with her biological family in a culturally appropriate environment outweigh and counterbalance these short term challenges. To clarify, I am not without sympathy for the adoptive parents - it must be a tremendous loss for them as well. It's a shame that birthfathers are kept dumb and in the dark in adoption scenarios, otherwise such heartbreak could be avoided."

I'm nervous for the Supreme Court ruling. It's hard even for me to write about it--it literally makes my heart rate increase. I'm sad for the adoptive parents who feel they got slighted. But honestly I'm even more sad for the birth father and all the backlash against him. And the little girl too--what trauma she's been through (and what more trauma might await her if the court says she should be removed again and taken to live with the adoptive parents whom she hasn't seen for a year!) I hope that all those nasty comments about Native Americans and about her father will be gone from the Internet by the time she is able to read them. I hope society as a whole will embrace a more balanced viewpoint about adoption by the time she can read, too.

Mesnak, indie adoption film (Canada)

The Canadian film Mesnak, which won Best Film, Best Actor (Victor Andres Trelles Turgeon), and Best Actress (Eve Ringuette) awards. Mesnak tells the story of a Native man who was adopted as a toddler and is now living in Montreal and working as an actor. He returns to the reserve where he was born and meets his mother and people for, essentially, the first time, and his struggles with his identity mirror those of the character he's been rehearsing—the lead in Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/article/mesnak-wins-big-at-american-indian-film-festival-145730

 FILM REVIEW:
Mesnak: the snapping turtle. Mesnak, the guardian spirit of the river, the forest, the Innu land. Mesnak, totem animal of a man who is now dead. Stumbling through the dark, hissing, he has a glowering presence that is felt throughout this film, evoking the crabs and flamingoes of Herzog or the owls of Lynch.
Into this land comes Dave (Victor Andres Turgeon-Trelles), the recipient of a cryptic message from an unknown sender, looking for his birth mother. Dave was adopted at the age of three and spirited away to the city; he has persuaded himself he can remember nothing of the time before. Upon arriving in the village of his birth he finds the people suspicious, learns that his mother is about to get married. He meets a brash young woman, Osalic (Eve Ringuette), with a painful secret of her own. The two find a point of mutual sympathy in a brutal world, but could it be there undoing?
Mesnak has to be up there with the very best screen adaptations of Hamlet. In part this is because of its decision - stated at the start, when Dave participates in an audition - to focus on the play's subtler themes. Redemption, loneliness and the connection of justice to something otherworldly are at the heart of it. The curiously fragile Osalic, seeking refuge in ancient Innu rituals, is an Ophelia whose connection with the supernatural becomes central to the tale. Marco Collin makes a curiously sympathic Claudius (or Claude) who seems to have genuine love for Gertrude (Kathia Rock), but to be no less guilty for it. Gertrude's connection with her son, when they finally meet, is unmistakably erotic, an intensity of repressed emotion which, unspoken, dominates them both.
Shot in tones of orange and brown that root it firmly in the earth, in a rural environment where the land dominates the people, Mesnak shifts sharply into greys and blues when we meet the turtle. Low, sensuous sound work creates an uneasy atmosphere. What is spoken is only the surface; there are several narratives at work here as Dave strives with increasing desperation to take control of his own destiny. His ordinariness and lack of pretension make him perhaps the most sympathetic Hamlet to date.
An ambitious transposition like this could easily have been a disaster. Mesnak not only gets away with it but delivers something that feels as though it ought always to have been told this way. It's the story of something bigger than revenge. It ought not to be missed.
Reviewed on: 30 Jan 2012

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38



During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.



Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38

During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.

Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38

During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.

Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38

During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.

Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38

During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.

Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

Sisters reunited after adoption

http://youtu.be/q-EQkiL5_38

During a track meet in DC, girls on one team noticed a girl on the other team looked strikingly similar to a teammate of theirs.  What happened afterwards was nothing short of a miracle.  Click on video to find out.

Stories like this need more exposure...how we adoptees find family is so important...this story is another example of how important it is to find our family, our siblings and our identity after adoption!  Trace

WA state Native adoptees - GOOD NEWS

BIG NEWS! Wanted to let you all know that Governor Inslee signed the original birth certificate (OBC) bill (HB 1525) this week.  What this means is that after June 30, 2014, Washington state adoptees will be able to get a copy of their original birth certificate as long as their birth parent hasn't filled out a veto preventing them from getting their own birth record.

We worked hard to get the veto removed but certain legislators were hellbent on making sure there was a veto option for birth parents, and ultimately they got their way.

Statistics from other states show that the majority of WA adoptees will be able to get their OBC, which is good. It's just sad (and maddening) that there will be some adoptees who will be denied.
FOR ALL OF YOU WANTING TO GET YOUR OBC NEXT YEAR WHEN THE LAW GOES INTO EFFECT, WE ADVISE YOU REQUEST THAT OBC ASAP. Most vetoes will be filled out
the first year or two, so best to request it quickly next year.
-Penni

Washington State Adoptee Rights Bill

Website:   Washington Coalition for Adoptee Rights & Equality
Email: washingtonadopteerights@gmail.com

NOTE: We posted about this pending legislation on this blog... There are 24 tribes in WA state - that is one of the states where Native American children were taken as part of the Indian Adoption Projects!  I know many adoptees from there. So happy we have movement on opening adoption records, finding tribal relatives and OBC access. Sad there is a veto clause...Trace

PTSD - what can help

 What You CAN Do to Support a Trauma Survivor

"...If you’re living with someone battling PTSD, make sure you have a friend you can vent to, and consider seeing a therapist occasionally who can give you your own set of coping tools and help keep you on track as a support person. It’s worth it, because the tremendous shift in the sufferer’s personality and identity will be a shock, to say the least. It’s common and understandable for friends and family to experience feelings of anger, fear, doubt and uncertainty, frustration, impatience, and irritability. They may feel stretched thin at times and unsure of how to go on...."

Read more at Laura Dennis' blog: http://www.laura-dennis.com/what-you-can-do-to-support-a-trauma-survivor/
TAGS: Juanima Hiatt, laura dennis, PTSD, support, The Invisible Storm, trauma survivor

How We Heal

I wrote a guest post "HOW WE HEAL" for our friend Jonathan Brooks fantastic website/blog: Spirit Bear Coaching.  Jonathan shared his incredible adoption journey and reunion in the anthology TWO WORLDS: Lost Children of the Indian Adoption Projects.

Read my post here: http://spiritbearcoaching.com/how-we-heal/

Excerpt:

"How we heal from this history is to know this happened to children. We can find ways to repatriate these children back to their tribes and help them to reconnect. We can unseal their adoption records and enroll these children as members of their tribes. Sharing the truth about the Indian Adoption Projects will assure these governments never attempt this again. That is how we heal."

Read this: Native American hopes adoption story will give strength to others: http://spiritbearcoaching.com/native-american-hopes-adoption-story-will-give-strength-to-others/

AND Two Worlds has been chosen by Brock University in Canada to be their "BROCK READS" textbook for the 2013-2014 school year, which is a high honor! 

The ebook TWO WORLDS is available for every e-reader like the KOBO and NOOK. It's all good! Trace

PTSD and Post-Adoption Issues–What NOT to Say

I wrote about my own post-traumatic stress disorder in my memoir One Small Sacrifice. The key for me is (and was) processing emotions and knowing my self once I had the truth...
Here is a must-read column: http://www.laura-dennis.com/trauma-adoption-ptsd/

Excerpt:

“Here’s what you need to do...”

Here’s the truth: I have no idea what you specifically need to do to process yourself. To heal. I have no freakin’ clue. I can only offer suggestions, things that have worked for myself and others. And I can try to provide insight and resources for adoptees (and those who support them) as they emerge from the fog and attempt to deal with their pain, grief and loss.

So, you may be wondering why I’m

constantly

blogging about adoption, when I feel like I’ve processed my grief, my “what ifs,” and I’m even in a place where I can make jokes about my own secondary rejection.

That’s the thing … It’s because, like Juanima with PTSD, I’ve been at the bottom of the valley. I drove myself crazy, literally crazy trying to be the perfect person, the grateful adoptee. Because of my unaddressed post-adoption issues, I inadvertently let my latent bipolar tendencies emerge and get the better of me. I hit bottom. I nearly destroyed my mind.

But slowly, deliberately and drawing on that (in)famous “adoptee resilience,” I made the arduous trek up the hill. These days, I’m on stable footing; I can reach back and give a helping hand to my fellow adoptees.

That’s why I want to give voice to PTSD and the effects of trauma and abuse. That’s why I write about all this adoption crap all the time. ...

Laura Dennis is the author of "Adopted Reality" that I give 5 STARS! ...Trace

Part 2: The fight for Baby Veronica

   

Veronica at home in Oklahoma (Indian Country Today)

          

Another article in this excellent series.

“The birth mother knew I was Cherokee, she knew I was a tribal member, she knew my birth date and she knew how to spell my name,” said Brown matter-of-factly. “Look, we've known each other since we were 16. We were engaged. She absolutely knew all of my vital information. And she gave [the attorney and the tribe] the wrong information [hoping to keep the adoption secret].”

Facts Are Stubborn Things

From the outset, the case of Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl has been rife with errors: Errors in spelling, incorrect dates, bad judgment, and finally, errors in execution. Whether by prevaricated fabrication, purposeful obfuscation or the result of a simple incompetence, the crucial mistakes made in the very beginning and thereafter proved pivotal to the subsequent battle between the Capobiancos and Dusten Brown.

Read more at  http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/05/13/fight-baby-veronica-part-2-149336

The Spirit to Speak Out: Robin Poor Bear's Bravery

In Kind-Hearted Woman, Robin Poor Bear negotiates motherhood, sobriety and justice. (Courtesy PBS)

The Spirit to Speak Out: Documentary Features Oglala Sioux Woman's Heartbreak and Redemption Through Custody Battles, Abuse

Anne Minard

April 18, 2013

To say that Robin Poor Bear, Oglala Sioux, struggled with the decision to allow a documentary film crew to make a movie about her life is an understatement. It’s no accident, for instance, that she got sober at the same time that filming began in 2007.
“I went downhill making that decision,” she said. “I went through about three or four months of just drinking, and anger and negative feelings. Finally one night I prayed. I ended up having a dream that someone in the house had died and everyone knew how this person had died, but no one was saying anything. Right before the police left I opened my mouth and I said, ‘I know what happened.’ ”
Poor Bear knew then that she was angry with everyone in her life who hadn’t spoken out about the abuse she had suffered.
“I knew then that I was mad at everybody for not protecting me as a kid,” she said. “And I knew that I had to do this film and speak out.”
Filmmaker David Sutherland and his crew followed Poor Bear, who was then known by her married name Robin Charboneau, through three years of her life. The result, a nearly five-hour documentary, Kind-Hearted Woman, was shown on PBS April 1 and 2 as a joint production of Frontline and Independent Lens.
The film spans her early 30s, a time when Poor Bear was struggling to overcome the early loss of her alcoholic mother and an abusive first marriage while raising her two children—Anthony, now 14, and Darian, 17. Poor Bear was also still haunted by the abuse that she suffered starting at the age of 3 at the hands of her foster family.
“I was abused by a man I called grandpa, his son (I called dad), the brothers of the man I called dad (which would be uncles) and others,” she told ICTMN.

Robin Poor Bear fights to keep and protect her kids Anthony, 14, and Darian, 17. (Kimmer Olesak, Courtesy PBS/WXXI, Rochester, New York)

The small family somehow got used to the presence of the camera; the tape kept rolling through many tearful talks and family arguments. Darian even revealed to her mother, on camera, that she had been abused by her own father—Poor Bear’s first husband—which led to a federal investigation, indictment and imprisonment that unfolds over the course of the documentary. A custody battle in tribal court on the Spirit Lake Reservation is also featured, including a six-month period when Poor Bear’s children ended up in foster care.
And Kind-Hearted Woman traces Poor Bear’s ill-fated second marriage from beginning almost to its end. The small family picked up and moved many times—from the reservation to Fargo, North Dakota, to International Falls, Minnesota, to Canada and back again, in response to each curveball.
“I had no idea what was to come during the filming process,” Poor Bear reflected. “I had no idea that my daughter was going to come out about the abuse, and I had no idea that Spirit Lake Social Services was going to take my kids away for the film. My adoptive family hasn’t spoken with me for years. That’s fine, because they carry that shame. I don’t carry it any more.”
It was Poor Bear’s local victim service program director, Linda Thompson, who introduced her to Sutherland, who was looking for a good documentary subject. Poor Bear made herself available, with reservations.
“I was terrified that entire week before he came to the Spirit Lake Reservation,” she said, “because there were only two other people who knew parts of my story at the time. One was my therapist and the other was a person who called me ‘sister.’ David was the third.”
Despite her reservations, Poor Bear came to realize she was doing the film to give other abuse victims a glimmer of connection and hope.
“If there was one woman out there, I had to do it,” she said. “When you’re in that situation, you feel so alone.”
Not that her road back has been easy. Poor Bear had hoped to return to school for psychology and social work so she could learn how to help abuse victims, especially on the reservation. However, her ex-husband’s sexual molestation trial and the custody battle interfered. She started classes but abandoned them when she felt her children needed her.
Though Poor Bear’s academic plans got tabled, she found her way. The film shows her working as a hotel maid for a time, then landing the first of several social services jobs—monitoring supervised visits for dysfunctional families at a victims’ advocacy organization in International Falls.
Her responsibilities grew until she had a nervous breakdown, related to her personal struggles, after which her social services supervisor lost confidence in her and let her go. But she quickly found work with a similar organization. And within days of the brief psychiatric hospital stay, she was exposing her past in a new way: as a speaker in front of victims, victims’ advocates, and whoever else would listen.
“I was torn and ripped to pieces by people I called dad, uncles,” she told that first rapt audience, as captured in the film.
By now, speaking out about abuse has become Poor Bear’s primary occupation. And even as Kind-Hearted Woman chronicles her path in its early stages, it continues to push her along her way. Since its release, Poor Bear’s has calendar filled with speaking engagements for several months.
“Some people are booking into next year,” she said. “It can’t get any better.”
Personally, she said, the film “helped me grow. It helped me listen to my spirit. My spirit came alive. It made me a better mom. Women and children have been reaching out from all over, talking about their issues, some for the first time. Not just women and children but men also. I’m just so blessed in so many ways that I can’t even count.”
Poor Bear says she has received responses from abuse victims all over the world. But perhaps the most meaningful support has come when she has visited her own reservation.
“I walk around on the reservation. The elders will say, ‘I need to give you a hug.’ And they’ll say, ‘That’s a good thing you did. I’m proud of you.’ ”
Poor Bear says she recognizes that abuse happens all over, not just on her own reservation. But reservations often add another layer of obstacles to healing, she says.
“We just don’t have the amount of resources,” she explained. “We’re low on housing. We’re low on law enforcement. Some of our judicial systems need to be revamped. The sexual abuse and domestic violence that happens on a reservation are bad, but it’s even worse when the systems that are sworn to protect families and children don’t do that.”
Happily, Poor Bear’s own children are doing just fine, in part because of the documentary itself. “It was healing in so many ways,” she said. “After my kids watched the film.… I never dreamed that my kids could become closer than they already were. [Sutherland] gave them each other’s perspective.… You talk about a blessing. I’m so grateful.”
Soon the children will join their mother on a trip to Laramie, Wyoming, where they both hope to attend college. Anthony is interested in an automotive program at WyoTech, and Darian wants to go to the University of Wyoming.
“She wants to do everything,” her mother says proudly, “modeling, singing. She wants to be a vet. She wants to be an advocate.”
Both kids have even developed public presentations of their own. Darian’s focuses on the signs of childhood abuse; Anthony’s details his own struggle with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. “It’s really great,” Poor Bear said. “He ends it with, ‘Thank you for paying attention.’ ”
And Poor Bear is now spreading her message in new ways. On Mother’s Day she will break ground on a long-term, nonprofit treatment center for women and children who suffer from abuse and/or chemical dependency. Her wish for the center’s clients is the same one she has for the audiences at her talks: a sense of hope.
“Keep going forward,” she urges victims of abuse. “Don’t ever let whatever happened to you in your past stop you from building a better life for yourself.”

Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/04/18/spirit-speak-out-documentary-features-oglala-sioux-womans-heartbreak-and-redemption

She is my hero! Happy Mother's Day to everyone... xox Trace 

The Spirit to Speak Out: Robin Poor Bear's Bravery

In Kind-Hearted Woman, Robin Poor Bear negotiates motherhood, sobriety and justice. (Courtesy PBS)

The Spirit to Speak Out: Documentary Features Oglala Sioux Woman's Heartbreak and Redemption Through Custody Battles, Abuse

Anne Minard

April 18, 2013

To say that Robin Poor Bear, Oglala Sioux, struggled with the decision to allow a documentary film crew to make a movie about her life is an understatement. It’s no accident, for instance, that she got sober at the same time that filming began in 2007.
“I went downhill making that decision,” she said. “I went through about three or four months of just drinking, and anger and negative feelings. Finally one night I prayed. I ended up having a dream that someone in the house had died and everyone knew how this person had died, but no one was saying anything. Right before the police left I opened my mouth and I said, ‘I know what happened.’ ”
Poor Bear knew then that she was angry with everyone in her life who hadn’t spoken out about the abuse she had suffered.
“I knew then that I was mad at everybody for not protecting me as a kid,” she said. “And I knew that I had to do this film and speak out.”
Filmmaker David Sutherland and his crew followed Poor Bear, who was then known by her married name Robin Charboneau, through three years of her life. The result, a nearly five-hour documentary, Kind-Hearted Woman, was shown on PBS April 1 and 2 as a joint production of Frontline and Independent Lens.
The film spans her early 30s, a time when Poor Bear was struggling to overcome the early loss of her alcoholic mother and an abusive first marriage while raising her two children—Anthony, now 14, and Darian, 17. Poor Bear was also still haunted by the abuse that she suffered starting at the age of 3 at the hands of her foster family.
“I was abused by a man I called grandpa, his son (I called dad), the brothers of the man I called dad (which would be uncles) and others,” she told ICTMN.

Robin Poor Bear fights to keep and protect her kids Anthony, 14, and Darian, 17. (Kimmer Olesak, Courtesy PBS/WXXI, Rochester, New York)

The small family somehow got used to the presence of the camera; the tape kept rolling through many tearful talks and family arguments. Darian even revealed to her mother, on camera, that she had been abused by her own father—Poor Bear’s first husband—which led to a federal investigation, indictment and imprisonment that unfolds over the course of the documentary. A custody battle in tribal court on the Spirit Lake Reservation is also featured, including a six-month period when Poor Bear’s children ended up in foster care.
And Kind-Hearted Woman traces Poor Bear’s ill-fated second marriage from beginning almost to its end. The small family picked up and moved many times—from the reservation to Fargo, North Dakota, to International Falls, Minnesota, to Canada and back again, in response to each curveball.
“I had no idea what was to come during the filming process,” Poor Bear reflected. “I had no idea that my daughter was going to come out about the abuse, and I had no idea that Spirit Lake Social Services was going to take my kids away for the film. My adoptive family hasn’t spoken with me for years. That’s fine, because they carry that shame. I don’t carry it any more.”
It was Poor Bear’s local victim service program director, Linda Thompson, who introduced her to Sutherland, who was looking for a good documentary subject. Poor Bear made herself available, with reservations.
“I was terrified that entire week before he came to the Spirit Lake Reservation,” she said, “because there were only two other people who knew parts of my story at the time. One was my therapist and the other was a person who called me ‘sister.’ David was the third.”
Despite her reservations, Poor Bear came to realize she was doing the film to give other abuse victims a glimmer of connection and hope.
“If there was one woman out there, I had to do it,” she said. “When you’re in that situation, you feel so alone.”
Not that her road back has been easy. Poor Bear had hoped to return to school for psychology and social work so she could learn how to help abuse victims, especially on the reservation. However, her ex-husband’s sexual molestation trial and the custody battle interfered. She started classes but abandoned them when she felt her children needed her.
Though Poor Bear’s academic plans got tabled, she found her way. The film shows her working as a hotel maid for a time, then landing the first of several social services jobs—monitoring supervised visits for dysfunctional families at a victims’ advocacy organization in International Falls.
Her responsibilities grew until she had a nervous breakdown, related to her personal struggles, after which her social services supervisor lost confidence in her and let her go. But she quickly found work with a similar organization. And within days of the brief psychiatric hospital stay, she was exposing her past in a new way: as a speaker in front of victims, victims’ advocates, and whoever else would listen.
“I was torn and ripped to pieces by people I called dad, uncles,” she told that first rapt audience, as captured in the film.
By now, speaking out about abuse has become Poor Bear’s primary occupation. And even as Kind-Hearted Woman chronicles her path in its early stages, it continues to push her along her way. Since its release, Poor Bear’s has calendar filled with speaking engagements for several months.
“Some people are booking into next year,” she said. “It can’t get any better.”
Personally, she said, the film “helped me grow. It helped me listen to my spirit. My spirit came alive. It made me a better mom. Women and children have been reaching out from all over, talking about their issues, some for the first time. Not just women and children but men also. I’m just so blessed in so many ways that I can’t even count.”
Poor Bear says she has received responses from abuse victims all over the world. But perhaps the most meaningful support has come when she has visited her own reservation.
“I walk around on the reservation. The elders will say, ‘I need to give you a hug.’ And they’ll say, ‘That’s a good thing you did. I’m proud of you.’ ”
Poor Bear says she recognizes that abuse happens all over, not just on her own reservation. But reservations often add another layer of obstacles to healing, she says.
“We just don’t have the amount of resources,” she explained. “We’re low on housing. We’re low on law enforcement. Some of our judicial systems need to be revamped. The sexual abuse and domestic violence that happens on a reservation are bad, but it’s even worse when the systems that are sworn to protect families and children don’t do that.”
Happily, Poor Bear’s own children are doing just fine, in part because of the documentary itself. “It was healing in so many ways,” she said. “After my kids watched the film.… I never dreamed that my kids could become closer than they already were. [Sutherland] gave them each other’s perspective.… You talk about a blessing. I’m so grateful.”
Soon the children will join their mother on a trip to Laramie, Wyoming, where they both hope to attend college. Anthony is interested in an automotive program at WyoTech, and Darian wants to go to the University of Wyoming.
“She wants to do everything,” her mother says proudly, “modeling, singing. She wants to be a vet. She wants to be an advocate.”
Both kids have even developed public presentations of their own. Darian’s focuses on the signs of childhood abuse; Anthony’s details his own struggle with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. “It’s really great,” Poor Bear said. “He ends it with, ‘Thank you for paying attention.’ ”
And Poor Bear is now spreading her message in new ways. On Mother’s Day she will break ground on a long-term, nonprofit treatment center for women and children who suffer from abuse and/or chemical dependency. Her wish for the center’s clients is the same one she has for the audiences at her talks: a sense of hope.
“Keep going forward,” she urges victims of abuse. “Don’t ever let whatever happened to you in your past stop you from building a better life for yourself.”

Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/04/18/spirit-speak-out-documentary-features-oglala-sioux-womans-heartbreak-and-redemption

She is my hero! Happy Mother's Day to everyone... xox Trace 

Part One: The Fight for Baby Veronica, Suzette Brewer

Suzette Brewer\ May 06, 2013

It is dinner time at the Brown home in Oklahoma. As dusk settles over the horizon, ground venison sizzles in a skillet on the stove as Veronica Brown and her father, Dusten, feed two pet geese in the backyard. Two small dogs trail behind, climbing over each other to stay with the little girl.
A joyful bundle of dimples and curly dark hair, Veronica Brown is the master and commander of her backyard empire.
“Here is their swimming pool. It has sharks in it,” she points authoritatively to the cartoon sharks on the bottom. “But they drink out of it.”

In a remarkable act of equanimity, one of the geese allows her to pick him up and put him in the water. She strokes his head and gives him some more pellets from her hand. Not to be outdone, the other goose jumps in the small pool and tries to horn in on the food.

“She knows her own mind,” says her father proudly. “She knows exactly what she thinks, and she won't hesitate to tell you.”

Shortly after, Brown's wife, Robin, comes out to the family's deep freezer and grabs an armful of more frozen venison. She is still dressed in her scrubs from a long day at nursing school. Brown has taken the
day off from his construction job to work on the house and run errands.

Their home is modest but immaculate and it is clear that the Brown's take great pride in keeping it up. They have painted and restored most of the interior, but have taken a break—for the time being.

“Every time we go to Home Depot, we come out with three more projects,” says Brown, smiling wearily. “We had to stop because it's always something.”

This much is clear: If one did not know that this small family was at the center of one of the most important Indian law cases in the last 30 years, the Browns would seem like any other family at 6 o'clock in America. Two tired parents, a three-year-old with endless energy, dinner on the
stove, dogs yapping, geese squawking and a house in the middle of remodeling.  In military-speak, they are squared away.

But underneath the normalcy, Dusten Brown is fully aware of the enormous implications—both personally and tribally—for the blandly named Adoptive Couple v. Baby Girl now under review by the Supreme Court.

“It's always in the back of my mind,” says Brown, an Iraq War veteran who is still enlisted in the National Guard. “But I just go through every day being a parent, just acting like it's not going on.” 

To summarize, after Brown asked ex-fiancee Christine Maldanado to marry him, she became pregnant. Shortly there after, she broke off the engagement and contact with Brown and quietly put the couple's child up foradoption without notifiying him of her intentions—which ultimately pittedDusten Brown against the pre-adoptive parents, Matt and Melanie Capobianco, andthe Capobianco's adoption lawyers, who apparently were not prepared for thefact that Brown turned out to be a tougher customer than they expected.

This story, however, did not begin with Maldanado's pregnancy. Brown and Maldanado have known each other nearly 14 years,
having met as 16-year-olds in high school.  As classmates in Bartlesville's
alternative education program, they dated off and on for nearly 11 years.
During that time, Brown and Maldanado had both married and divorced other
people.  Maldanado had two children by her first marriage, Brown had a daughter
from his.

Sometime in the late 2000s, they began dating again and Brown decided to propose to Maldanado, and she accepted. By December of 2009, she was pregnant. Soon after, she sent him a text message telling him she wanted to break up.

“It was all text messages,” he said, “because she didn't want to talk to me.”

Brown said he did not understand why she wanted to break up and that she was not clear in her reasons. But because they had dated off and on for so long, he said, “I just thought we could repair our relationship and get back together. We had done that a lot, so I thought we could do it
again.”

Instead, she texted Brown asking him to sign his “rights” over to her. Initially, Brown said he was under the impression that she simply wanted full custody. At no time, he said, did she ever mention that she was thinking of giving their child up for adoption. He is adamant that had he known what her
plans were, he would've acted on the spot.

“I thought she wanted full custody, but that I would
still be a part of my child's life,” he said. “I was going to war. I didn't
know what was going to happen in Iraq, or even if I was going to come back home
alive. So I texted her back and said okay.”

Thinking that Maldanado needed time, Brown said he sent the text message and gave Maldanado her space. In his mind, they were simply in another “off” period, yet he remained hopeful that they would eventually work things out.

This was not to be. Four months after Veronica's birth, and six days before Brown was scheduled to deploy for Iraq, he received a message from Maldanado's lawyer that he needed to come to Bartlesville, Okla., to sign “some paperwork.”  Because he was leaving the country, he was in “lock
down” at his Army base in Ft. Sill and was told he would not be allowed to make the five hour trip to sign the paperwork.  After some wrangling with his superiors and the lawyers, he was given permission only to leave base and go to nearby Lawton to visit a local process server.

It was from the process server that Brown finally learned the whole truth: That  his daughter had been born four months earlier; that Maldanado had not only signed her own rights away, but had also put the girl up for adoption, something to which he did not, nor would ever agree; and that the child had also been living in South Carolina for four months with people he considered strangers.

“It was like somebody stabbed me in the heart,” said Brown. “She's a good mother to her other two children, so it was shocking to me that she would just give our child away. As far as I'm concerned, she sold her child. But if she wasn't going to raise [Veronica], then I definitely wanted her.”

To Brown, it was clear that Maldanado, the Capobiancos and their lawyers had timed their legal ambush before his deployment in the hopes that Brown would simply fold and walk away. They were all, he said, mistaken. “That was never going to happen.”

“I went straight to the Judge Advocate General on base,” he said. “And they got me a lawyers in Bartlesville and South Carolina.”

In the meantime, Brown assigned power of attorney to his father and had his lawyers ask for a stay of adoption until his deployment in Iraq was over, which was granted. During that time, it became evident that Brown's rights as a tribal member and due process had not been followed,
according to court documents. In their rush to push the adoption through under
the radar, Maldanado, the Capobiancos and their attorneys had colluded to strip
Brown of his parental rights outside the purview of the Indian Child Welfare
Act.

Instead of a legal termination hearing, as is provided for under the law even in non-ICWA cases, the plaintiffs zeroed in on that fateful text message. This became the focal point of the subsequent legal
battle with the Capobiancos, who had spent a lot of money on the adoption, even giving Maldanado $10,000 over and above her medical expenses, according to court testimony. Their message to the world was clear: “He gave up his rights.
He abandoned his daughter. He is a 'bad dad.'”

But as in most custody battles, things are not always as they seem.

Next Week:

The battle for Baby Veronica begins as the Capobiancos dig in, while their
lawyers and public relations team go viral.

Read more
at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/05/06/fight-baby-veronica-part-i-149219 (See photos at this website. It's a fantastic look at their lives...Trace)